Classified High
by BookWorm37
Summary: There are so many stories about SG1 going to a planet and turning into tots. Here's one where they go to a planet and turn into teenagers a.k.a. the bringers of doom. Complete


A/N: I'm telling you all now and I'll only say it once: THIS IS VERY, VERY CHEESY! Be ye warned.

* * *

The SF's stared in shock as SG-1 came back through the 'gate. But this wasn't their SG-1. This was Teal'c, a sixteen-year-old Jack O'Neill, a fourteen-year-old Samantha Carter and a fifteen-year-old Daniel Jackson. Something was seriously wrong. 

"SG-1, report to the briefing room, immediately," Hammond called from the control room. What the hell happened? This wasn't his team – or was it?

"What the hell happened!" Hammond roared when they were all seated around the briefing room table.

Young Jack took up the narrative. "We went to H57-0F23 and were kidnapped by a group of teens, who then proclaimed that Carter was their goddess and made us all drink this awful tasting concoction that turned us into this. Luckily it had no effect on T. So they let us out and we came back. Like this."

Hammond was dumbfounded. This had answered a lot of his questions, but raised a hell of a lot more. "Major Carter, translation, please."

"Yes, sir. Upon arrival at H_7_7-0F23, a group of about twenty well-armed and well-trained teenagers ambushed us. After holding my own against five of them for about twenty minutes, the leader put a stop to our little fight and said that I was their long awaited goddess. They proceeded to 'escort' us to their village that was not far away…" Sam trailed off, frowning, "That's all I remember until I woke up on the way back."

Teal'c continued, "We were all made to partake in a beverage that tasted very similar to the blood of Sokar, after which O'Neill, Major Carter and Daniel Jackson all fell unconscious and started transforming into the ages that you now see them at. I was unaffected from the beverage and the leader of the adolescence said it was a terrible magic and we had to be expelled from the city without delay unless everyone wanted to turn back into adults. That is what transpired."

Hammond nodded, accepting that explanation for the moment. "Report to the infirmary. Dismissed." SG-1 rose with the older man and left soon after he did.

* * *

Jack threw another paper airplane at the back of Daniel's head, "Hey, Daniel? You busy?" The other man turned around and glared at his companion. 

"No, Jack. I'm just waiting for you to talk to me."

"Good. So, I was thinking about how we got into this mess into the first place. It all started with that pesky temple you just _had_ to go investigate."

"Will you two _not_ get into this now, _please_?" Sam yelled from across the room where she lay on one of the beds, clutching a heat pad to her abdomen. "I feel like crap and can't get any descent caffeine or chocolate – so shut the hell up!"

Jack glared at the younger teen, "Well excuse me! Who died and made you Hathor?"

Sam glared menacingly at him and said lowly in a tone perfected by female teens, "You _really_ don't want to compare me to that bitch, do you? _Sir_? I just started _my period_ on another _planet_, my cramps are as bad as they were when I was fourteen, I feel like I'm gonna puke any second now. And, oh, did I mention that when I was fourteen I got expelled from high school when I beat the crap out of five senior male _varsity_ _football _players? _Sir_?"

Before the yelling could continue and Sam could get any more upset than she already was, the door opened and Teal'c and Janet walked in, wheeling a cart covered with a white cloth sheet.

Teal'c stopped the cart right in front of Sam's resting place and Janet pulled off the covering. "This is just a little something from all the gate techs, the people in the commissary and your lab assistants. They say get grown up soon before they make a mistake and the 'Gate explodes," Janet said as she tilted the blue jell-o mould so Sam could see the little chocolate chips on top that formed the words, 'We Miss You, Sam.'

The young girl couldn't help it, she broke down in tears, "This is the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me!" she cried helplessly. Janet gathered her friend in her arms and held her as she sobbed her eyes out.

Jack looked at everyone, wondering again why Carter was acting so moody. It was Teal'c who answered his unspoken question. The big Jaffa came up beside the boy and knelt down to whisper in his ear, "I believe it is called premenstrual syndrome among the Tau'ri, O'Neill."

"Ahhh..."

* * *

There was one major downfall with SG-1 being teenagers as far a General Hammond was concerned: they still had all the knowledge of their adult selves, but _none_ of the self-control. He already had to have the SF's pry Jack off Daniel three times and get the commissary to make something for Sam twice when the yelling got too much to bear. 

_How_ the hell did their parents stand those two for as long as they had?

Teenage Daniel wasn't any different from grown-up Daniel except that he was even more disorganized than he was as an adult. But teenage Sam and teenage Jack were terrors. Hammond could feel the SGC falling apart just with their presence.

So he did the only thing he could think to do: he locked Sam and Jack in the brig. However, he made one crucial mistake – he locked them in the _same_ cell. The other crucial mistake he made was only posting two guards _outside_ the cell.

* * *

Sam glared at Jack menacingly, "You know, I have all the knowledge I did when I was older – but none of the self control?" 

Jack raised one of his eyebrows Teal'c style. "Oh yeah? I had _no_ self control when I was sixteen." Sam raised one of her eyebrows in response.

"Wanna make out?" she asked suddenly after a few moments of silence.

"Okay."

* * *

The security guards viewing the footage that came back from the cameras were having a blast to say the least. The imprisonment of two of the top officers on base started out nasty. Major Carter kept on lashing out and clawing Colonel O'Neill with her hands, a predatory growl on her face. Then the unexpected happened – _they started making out_. It was like magnets just pulled them together and their faces stuck. 

Very good thing all the guards had put in new bets in that pool before Ferretti got wind of the situation. _Very_ good for all of the guards there that is.

* * *

"Unscheduled off-world activation!" Walter yelled over the PA system. Hammond and Teal'c raced into the control room. 

"Who is it?" Hammond demanded.

"We're not receiving an IDC, sir," the technician said as he looked at the screens in front of him. There was something wrong with the iris, though. "Sir, there's a malfunction with the iris."

The metal encasing of the Stargate began to shimmer, like it had when the Tollan had contacted Earth. A few seconds later two teens stepped out of the wormhole; one male, one female. The male appeared to be seventeen while his female companion was fifteen.

"We come in peace," the brown haired female said as she raised both of her eyebrows to emphasize her point.

Teal'c recognized them right away as the two leaders on the planet SG-1 had just returned from, "General Hammond, these are two of those that took us captive on the planet and turned the rest of SG-1 into adolescents."

Hammond nodded gruffly before running into the embarkation room with Teal'c on his tail. "Hold your fire," he told the SF's before leaving. When they arrived, the two teens were at the foot of the ramp, waiting patently for the guns to be lowered.

"Who the hell are you?" Hammond demanded, agitatedly.

The girl turned to her older counterpart, with a bow of her head. "We are the leaders of the clan of Zuberi, of the tribe of Uzoma on the planet Tsholofelo which you've recently sent a team of four to investigate. I am Tau and this is Thema; we are the leaders of Zuberi at the present time."

"Follow me," Hammond said, sensing this was not a tale for the grapevine to have hold of just yet. When they were "safe" in the briefing room, Hammond asked, "What happened to my people when they were with your tribe."

Thema answered, "For at least two millennia the people of Zuberi and the other clans of Uzoma have been at war with another tribe called the Sizwe which is made up entirely of adults. The Uzomains choose the form of the human adolescent right after they are able to reproduce. One of our defense teams assumed that your team was a scouting party from those of the Sizwe.

"Treating them as prisoners of war, your people were taken to our citadel where it was discovered the difference in appearance of the woman on your team." Thema stopped, nodding to Tau to continue.

"The people of the Sizwe are very dark in color. There is a tale that the gods are white as snow, so when we saw her appearance, we immediately assumed she was a goddess. It was a complete mistake that they were turned into their present forms."

"When we saw the error in this one and his ability to resist the drug that laces all of our foods, we realized our mistake and sent them back," Thema concluded. "We came to offer our sincerest apologies and the reassurance that the effects are temporal. The three of your team should be back to their old bodies in a matter of days."

Hammond leaned forward, relieved with that news, "Now, will you tell me what you did to our iris when you came through?"

Tau nodded sagely, "We remembered that it took a special code for the others to go through unharmed, so we used a device created a few hundred years ago that's able to go through solid matter as we came through. We're deeply sorry if it causes any permanent damage, although it should not."

* * *

Tau and Thema were not 100 correct in their estimation of how quickly the drug would dissipate within Sam and Jack. Within their half and hour make-out session both aged _twenty years_. 

Sam stopped aging then, as she was only thirty-four, but Jack continued aging for another ten years before the process halted itself. By the end of forty-five minutes necking, both were back to their normal ages…but they still didn't stop.

One would assume that with their real bodies returned to them, the self-control would return as well – it didn't.

* * *

A SF whispered something in Hammond's ear at the briefing table. The old general's eyes grew wide and he turned to his 'guests' once again, "Are there any other side effects to the drug other than the age?" 

Tau looked at Thema: it was her project after all. She racked her brain, trying to think of the possible side effects the drug had on first time users. Her eyes widened slightly as she remembered the only one. "There's just one. The users suffer from impaired judgment and tend to act out their fantasies and desires. Not all users do, and in the ones that suffer from the side effect, the drug wears off much faster."

Hammond groaned, what the _hell_ was he going to tell the president?

A/N: I like reviews, really I do. And no, there will be no sequel.


End file.
